


some things cannot be fixed

by acceptabletwig



Category: The Last of Us
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Depression, Dina-centric, Ellie stays, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Heavy Angst, Mental Health Issues, Panic Attacks, Sleep Paralysis, and Part 2 is definitely not the angst, but she's human and she went through a fair deal of trauma as well, canon compliant (up to the farm), it will have a proper payoff, so this is me unpacking what she means by "dealing" with it for JJ and Ellie, this ignores Santa Barbara, this is the heaviest thing I've written, to be clear Part 1 is the angst, we all stan a strong queen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-26
Updated: 2020-07-28
Packaged: 2021-03-06 03:55:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 18,732
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25536952
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/acceptabletwig/pseuds/acceptabletwig
Summary: and some things can.(A story that picks up on the night Ellie leaves the farm, from the moment the door closes behind her. She never makes it out of the yard.)//“I said if you loved me, you would stay,” Dina says carefully, crossing the room to stand opposite Ellie, arms folded around her sides, like she’s trying to hold the pieces of herself together, keep her spine from crumpling under the weight.“I am staying,” Ellie says quietly, eyes looking up to meet Dina’s.Dina presses her hands on the table in front of her, leaning forward to look more closely at Ellie. “I don’t believe you,” she replies, hating herself for how vulnerable her voice sounds.
Relationships: Dina & Ellie (The Last of Us), Dina & JJ (The Last of Us), Dina/Ellie (The Last of Us), Ellie & JJ (The Last of Us), Ellie & Joel (The Last of Us)
Comments: 97
Kudos: 535





	1. Stagnation

**Author's Note:**

> Okay lads, this fic was an accident. Made eye contact with a gifset for too long. I thought I would write 2k words and I did not do that. Please get yourself a cup of tea or a glass of water, it is heavy.  
> .  
> Gracefully edited by my gf, and graciously beta'd by KitSilver (check out her work!).

**Part 1 (Stagnation)**

The sound of the door closing behind her back makes her feel like she’s fracturing, splitting into pieces, trying desperately to hold herself together, wiping at the tears that burn her eyes.

Dina tries to steel herself, breathing softly, soaking in the pain, _focus on JJ, he’s upstairs, keep it together for JJ._

She almost doesn’t hear it. A distant growl, half a groan, low and tortured. _Ellie._

And then Dina is sobbing, wails that grow in pitch, in volume, guttural and chilling.

She turns then, striding to the back door and resting on her hand against it; chest heaving she can see her hand trembling but she cannot feel it, she only feels the heat of the tears on her face and the biting chill of her rattling breaths.

Dina wants to know if Ellie is still crying, groaning, struggling outside. _Is she as tortured as I am?_

Dina shudders. _She walked away, this was her choice._

_Do not go outside._

She doesn’t know how long she waits, shaking at the door, holding herself back while trying to hold herself together. She finally falls silent, biting back whimpers, and allowing her tears to fall freely. Her shoulder aches, the scar almost feels like it’s opened, deep and painful and raw.

Eventually there is only silence. Dina strains to hear Ellie as she leaves, as she walks away from her and from their family, but she hears nothing. _Has she already left?_

\--

Just when Dina’s hand lifts from the door, her back stiff, the cold settled in her bones, she hears it. Footsteps.

Her eyes watch through the screen door, almost unseeing, as Ellie shuffles into view. She looks haggard, as exhausted as Dina feels, like she’s aged through the moments apart, hours apart, through the night.

The bag drops from Ellie’s shoulder carelessly, thumping to the ground beside her. She walks forward, eyes down, pressing her hand against the door’s edge, almost exactly against Dina’s, and Dina can _feel_ it.

Dina rests her forehead against the screen door, feeling Ellie’s against her as the other girl mirrors her actions.

Neither speaks.

Dina hears JJ faintly; he’s awake and calling for her. She shouldn’t have left him alone for this long in their bed. He is almost seven months old now, not yet crawling but able to wiggle and reach. He could have fallen. He could fall.

Ellie’s eyes flick up and meet hers. They radiate shame, but also concern. She knows the same thoughts are going through Ellie’s head.

“I cannot do this again,” Dina says quietly, too firm to be soft. It’s harsh and judging, and everything she doesn’t want to be. She pulls away, her hand sliding down to the door’s handle, tugging it open slightly, an offering, for Ellie to take.

She doesn’t wait to see what Ellie decides as she walks upstairs to find JJ.

\--

By the time Dina comes back downstairs, her heart is calmer. JJ is settled, once again tucked into bed, in the cot this time, and she feels slightly more put together. Ellie is sitting at the dining table, shoulders slumped, back to her.

And Dina approaches slowly.

“I’m sorry,” Ellie’s voice rasps.

“I said if you loved me, you would stay,” Dina says carefully, crossing the room to stand opposite Ellie, arms folded around her sides, like she’s trying to hold the pieces of herself together, keep her spine from crumpling under the weight.

“I am staying,” Ellie says quietly, eyes looking up to meet Dina’s.

Dina presses her hands on the table in front of her, leaning forward to look more closely at Ellie. “I don’t believe you,” she replies, hating herself for how vulnerable her voice sounds.

Ellie sobs dryly, brokenly, her chest heaving like she’s received a sharp blow to her back.

“I don’t,” Dina says again. “You- I-” She sighs. “I don’t believe you.”

Ellie nods jerkily, reaching out as though to touch one of Dina’s hands reassuringly but Dina pulls back.

“I need to get some sleep,” Dina says then, rubbing at her eyes as though they are only tired and not weepy. She looks at Ellie appraisingly, soaking her in like it’s the last time she’ll see her and feeling almost certain that it is. “I’m going to bed,” she turns her back on Ellie then, willing herself to walk away and stumbling upstairs before Ellie can hear her softly begin to cry.

\--

Dina sleeps longer than she thought she would, and she can see from the sun outside that it must be close to midday now. JJ’s crib is empty, but she can hear him distantly downstairs.

She takes a long shower, stretching out her neck muscles. She feels like she can feel her bones creaking as she moves. She wants the water to wash away her memories of last night but she knows it won’t. She feels like she didn't sleep at all, like she's still downstairs, waiting at the door.

She feels like she’s reeling from both Ellie’s cruelty and her own. _Was I cruel?_

_She left, didn’t she?_

_But she didn’t?_

Ellie still looks haggard when she comes downstairs. She’s in the loungeroom, sitting on the couch with JJ sitting back against her chest. She’s reading him a book, voice quiet but playful, slipping into different characters for him. He’s giggling, hands reaching for the page, trying to trace the animals but effectively just placing his hands against them.

Dina lingers in the doorway, watching, wondering if Ellie had slept at all. _Probably not if she got JJ up before he woke me,_ she muses.

Ellie looks up after several minutes, eyes still apologetic and wide, red rimmed, and Dina can’t stand to look at them.

She leaves them to it, going to the kitchen and finding a plate set out for her already. Ellie had made her breakfast.

They don’t talk at all that day.

When Dina retreats to bed that night, Ellie sleeps on the couch downstairs, words unspoken.

\--

Ellie approaches her the next day, eyes low, holding out a journal for Dina to take.

Dina doesn’t know if she wants it.

“Please,” Ellie says quietly, pleading and soft.

Dina lets Ellie take JJ for most of the day, withdrawing herself and hiding away in bed, sitting up against the headboard and just looking at the journal.

It takes her a while to finally open it.

She flips through the pages of drawings, pages of her smiling, of JJ slowly growing, and of moths. Endless moths. Small snippets of pain and worry.

_Happened again. Got rid of the images pretty quickly, but my skin hurt the rest of the morning. I gave up trying to go back to sleep, Dina stayed up with me. When will this stop?_

The accounts are interspersed with attempted pictures of Joel, never smiling, lips pressed firmly together, almost disapproving. Some attempts were barely entertained, but they all featured scratched out eyes. Dina can feel on some pages where Ellie had pressed so hard the page had torn.

_I don’t know how Dina talks so easily about Jesse. She tells JJ all about him. She thinks it’d be good for me to talk about Joel. To get it out. When she says that it makes the memories sound like food poisoning. I don’t want to talk about it. It’s just gonna hurt. And I think once I’d start I wouldn’t be able to stop._

Dina tries to take her time with reading, tries to take them in, to cherish the chance at the insight, tries to marry the entries with her time with Ellie; how many of these dark moments did she not even witness? How many times was Ellie left to cry alone?

_Took JJ on a ride today. He laughed the whole time. I almost didn’t think about Seattle all day. It was nice._

Dina smiles brittlely; she knows this pain and hurt has been an undercurrent of their relationship for a long time. Moments of levity, peace and happiness shining through the birth of their son – but it’s always just been a distraction for Ellie.

_It happened again. I was hunting this boar and I’d cornered it in this old gas station. It was bleeding out, screaming. Sounded like him. Then I couldn’t get the images out of my head. I left it there, dying. My skin hurts._

Dina consumes the words almost ravenously, unable to count the number of times she had wondered what Ellie was writing. She had never been tempted to ask or to check, knowing Ellie needed an outlet, and too afraid expressing interest would lead to Ellie somehow becoming more repressed.

_When does it get quiet?  
Time was supposed to  
~~Suffocate the urge…  
Suffocate the desire…  
Extinguish?  
~~Extinguish the desire…_

_Haunted by your ~~stare~~ smiles  
The mask keeps getting heavier  
~~It’s sliding off my face  
~~One step forward, two steps back_

_There’s a noose around my neck  
And the further I get  
~~the tighter~~ It’s harder and harder to breathe  
Can I find a way to cut the ~~cord~~ ~~rope~~ cord?_

_I’ve been waiting for dawn  
But the light is all gone  
~~I’ve lost the light  
~~Don’t know if I’m already  
Blind…  
Can I leave it all behind?_

Dina’s fingers tremble as she traces the words, as she traces the moths, the cracked watch face, the braid of the woman haunting Ellie. She knows this was written in the last few days. She knows this was close to the night before last. When Ellie attempted to leave it all behind, to leave her behind.

She’s crying now, almost silently, gasping for air, hands shaky and clenched, gripping the notebook tightly, too tightly; she half tears the page.

She looks at the words again, anger hot and overwhelming, and feels it in her bones.

_Can I leave it all behind?_

She tears the page out, scrunching it up and clasping it so firmly in her fist that she can feel the moment her nails split the skin of her palm.

She discards it then, throwing the page on the floor beside the bed and pressing her fists against her eyes. She’s trying to hold back a scream.

This moment feels viscerally unsettling, she wishes it was cathartic to gain this insight but it just feels like a cold hand has reached into her chest and cracked open her rib cage, like all of her doubts are being dragged out from deep inside of her, bones rattled, skin prickling.

The rest of the book is empty, blank pages staring up at her.

She doesn’t know how long she spends rereading the pages; it’s almost dark when she gets out of bed. She stares at the page on the floor for several long moments before lifting it, trying to press it down and smooth it out, like it could somehow be uncrumpled, like she could somehow restore it. _Some things cannot be fixed,_ she tells herself darkly.

It’s then that she realises Ellie had written on the other side. Another poem, surrounded by moths, and a single Hamsa symbol.

_Is staying better?  
Can I swallow this ~~regret~~ ~~sad~~ shame?  
Can I give them what’s left of me?  
Is it mine to give?  
Do I have anything to give?_

_Can I offer her scraps?  
Rust and iron, brittle and frayed.  
Or will I make them sick;  
Corrode their insides, ~~cripple~~ poison them?_

_I could be in the ocean,  
Lost in the waves,  
Left to drift,  
Until the iron smell is gone,  
Until I am battered and broken  
Ready to ~~dissipate~~ ~~sink~~ cease  
~~Would that be better for them?~~_

The final line is almost illegible, crossed out repeatedly, and Dina can see how the ink has blurred from tear stains that are not her own.

She takes another steadying breath, and she smooths the page one more time, tucking it into the journal and closing it firmly. She holds the book tightly to her chest as she walks downstairs.

She places the journal on the dining table, looking tiredly at Ellie feeding JJ his dinner. She knows her eyes are puffy, cheeks tearstained and flushed; her head feels like it’s pounding and her throat is so dry it aches.

She runs her fingers through JJ’s hair, trying to smile at him but failing, and she lingers there for a moment. Only a foot from Ellie, and she can tell from how Ellie’s actions falter and her hands twitch that the other girl wants to reach for her.

Dina sighs, dips her chin like an acknowledgement, her hand fleetingly brushing Ellie’s back, before she retreats again.

_I need to keep it together._

\--

That night after JJ is tucked soundly in bed, Dina gathers the scraps of her courage together to face Ellie.

She searches for several moments, unable to find Ellie in the lounge room or at the dining table or on the front porch. She does find her though. Back slumped against the kitchen counter, legs splayed out in front of her; there’s an unopened bottle of beer beside her and she’s fiddling with her bracelet. _My bracelet._

Dina takes the drink, placing it back into the fridge before sitting down across from her, her legs crossed underneath her.

They’re both fidgeting with their hands, two sets of eyes wary and fatigued. Trying.

“We aren’t okay,” Dina says quietly.

Ellie nods, eyes trained on Dina’s face. Dina can almost physically feel how much Ellie is pleading for her touch.

“I want to be, though,” Dina continues, her head dropping back on the wall behind her with a soft thud, eyes on the ceiling. “I want us to be okay.”

Ellie shifts, half crawling to sit beside Dina now, and the inch between them feels like it burns.

“I-” Dina’s voice shakes. “I feel like you’ve had one foot outside the door this _whole_ time.”

_Say something._

“Like you’re- like you were going through the motions with me until you finally left.”

_Please, Ellie, say something._

“I’ve been trying to hold myself together for us, but I’m struggling too,” Dina says softly. “Maybe not as much,” she adds. “But things are hard for me and I just-”

She can see Ellie’s hand twitching in her lap, eyes uncertain, mouth shaping words she doesn’t speak.

“I’m here and I’m trying. And you were thinking about walking away,” Dina says softly. “Is-” She swallows against the bile in her throat. “Is she more important than our family?” She turns to Ellie now, asking, pleading for a response.

“No,” Ellie says hoarsely, her voice like gravel, tears on her cheeks, shame in her eyes. “She’s not,” she affirms, offering a hand, palm up, out to Dina.

Dina studies her, allowing the hand to waver between them, earnest and trying, Dina waits until she allows herself to believe Ellie – and when she does, she takes Ellie’s hand. _Do I believe her?_

“I’m sorry, I was wrong,” Ellie murmurs, barely a whisper between them but Dina _feels_ it in her chest.

Dina doesn’t reply.

Their clasped hands sit between them, both girls looking forward now, eyes intense on the darkness outside the kitchen window.

With light, there is a sense of calm.

_Where do we go from here?_

\--

They orbit each other for another week. Dina calms enough to focus on JJ, and she feels like they’re taking turns being a parent while the other person hides away.

Ellie spends most of her alone time on the porch, looking at the tree in the distance. Sometimes she takes her guitar out there, but Dina never hears her play a chord.

Dina spends her time alone in her bed, limbs heavy, a weight on her chest. Sometimes she’s able to sit up and knit, but she loses count of the stitches as quickly as she loses herself in her thoughts.

When Ellie isn’t using her journal, it is laid open on the dining table, an offering that Dina does not take.

Ellie sleeps on the couch, and Dina aches for her embrace.

\--

One day, the following week, Tommy returns.

Dina has just laid JJ down for his nap, stroking his hair gently as she watches his eyes drift shut.

When she looks up, she sees Tommy at the gate.

She sees red.

She’s downstairs by the time Tommy has led his horse through, and she’s halfway to him by the time he has closed the gate behind him.

“What did I fucking say Tommy?” She spits at him, vitriol and venom. “What the fuck did I say to you?”

His eyes are hard, and she can see his spine stiffen when he registers something behind her. Ellie was probably on the porch, maybe closer to them now than before. _She doesn’t fucking need this, I don’t fucking need this._

“I told you to not bring that shit to my house ever again,” Dina hisses. “Fuck off.” She draws herself up to her full height, hands shaking in her anger as she points to the gate behind him. “Leave us the fuck alone.”

He looks past her for a long moment, before huffing and turning back around.

He slams the gate behind him.

Dina watches him leave, only moderately calmer by the time he has disappeared from view.

When she turns back to the house, she sees Ellie, eyes wide and guilty, sitting on the porch, guitar in her arms and trembling. She hadn’t moved.

Dina trudges back to the house, almost determined to say nothing to Ellie but when she approaches, she realises that Ellie’s eyes are fixed on her and not the gate.

She pauses in front of Ellie, breathing in the sight and wondering why her chest is still burning.

“Can- can we talk?” Ellie asks in a small voice.

“Maybe later,” Dina mumbles. She feels battered and broken, and wants to go back to bed. She wants to disappear.

\--

Dina doesn’t know what she was doing before now, before this new routine. How she summoned the ability to get out of bed.

She feels like she’s barely dragging herself through the motions of showering and eating, _is this how Ellie feels?_

It seems like JJ has the biggest appetite out of the three of them now, growing and learning, and earnest. Ellie is wonderful with him, sometimes quiet and contemplative, but she’s attentive and makes him laugh, tickles his feet, reads to him, cares for him.

Dina cannot describe how much she loves her son, she _knows_ she loves her son, she makes sure he is fed and warm and cuddled, but she feels _wrong._

_Off._

_Disconnected._

She stays in bed.

\--

Several more days creep by.

Dina is awake but not fully there, lying on her back, breathing in the quiet of the room. The sun rose a while ago, and distantly she can hear JJ start to fuss in his crib. He’s not upset at first, just stirring, then babbling, then whining, and then he is upset.

Dina feels like she’s in a fog, drained and nauseous, unable to sit up with the weight on her chest. _Am I holding my breath?_

By the time Ellie rushes in, JJ is crying, tears rolling down his cheeks, and Dina is laying pitifully on the bed, gasping for air as she rubs at her chest. At her scar. At the ache. At the pressure.

“Dina?” Ellie asks quietly, searchingly, and Dina can feel her gaze but refuses to meet it.

Ellie leaves, focused on soothing JJ, and Dina is left to herself.

She curls into her pillow and just drifts.

\--

When Dina finds herself next the room has darkened, and she is crying. It takes her several moments to feel the firm hand rubbing soft circles soothingly into her back.

She lifts herself, meeting Ellie’s gaze, before a cracked sob escapes her and she falls into Ellie’s arms. Ellie holds her tightly, arms lean but secure. She is pulled onto Ellie’s chest, solidly resting on her, and Ellie’s hands rub up and down her back soothingly.

Dina presses her face into Ellie’s neck, kissing there and tasting the salt from her own tears. She laughs brokenly. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me,” she mutters.

Ellie rubs soothing circles into her hips. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me either,” she replies earnestly.

_We do though,_ Dina thinks. _We’re being haunted. We’re not moving on._

They lay silently for some time, breathing in the quiet of the room.

“When things are hard,” Dina starts slowly, her lips moving gently against Ellie’s neck. “I- I think about Seattle. And I- I can’t sleep and when I finally do… I wake up with this sense of- of _dread_ in my stomach. Like something terrible is about to happen, like I’m going to wake up and find you gone, or dead, or near-death.” _I can’t forget that night._

“I always feel helpless,” Ellie offers quietly. “When I wake up and the dreams are still- I- I always felt like my biggest fear was being alone, but I think being powerless is worse. Not being in control, losing others, losing myself…” Her voice trails over, and Dina presses a kiss to her shoulder, attempting to offer her some comfort. She can feel Ellie’s hands flexing on her hips. “Unable to stop it.”

“I’m scared,” Dina replies.

“Of?” Ellie asks.

_Of you leaving. Of losing JJ. Of being a bad mother. Of everything._

Dina’s head is loud and confusing, overwhelming waves of anxiety rippling through her stomach at the cacophony of thoughts.

“Of my life,” Dina says quietly.

“For your-” Ellie begins to ask.

“ _Of_ my life,” Dina affirms.

“O-oh,” Ellie chokes out, her hands pause briefly before continuing their comforting movements.

Dina’s face burns with her shame. “I- I just feel like this fear is always going to sit with me,” Dina mumbles. “I feel like I was holding it together for you and for JJ, and it was hard but bearable, and I- I felt happy at times…” Her voice trails off.

“And now?” Ellie asks softly.

Dina shifts so she’s only lying partially on Ellie, half on her side and still tucked into Ellie’s frame. She lifts her head to look into Ellie’s eyes and despite the low light in the room she can see them clearly. She knows that they are green, she loves the green of Ellie’s eyes, but the amber ring around her pupils seems to be glowing, more gold than anything else, so concerned they make Dina ache.

“Now?” Ellie repeats, her words barely a whisper in the air.

“I- I don’t think I’m sad,” Dina mumbles. “I don’t know- I don’t feel that way, I just feel- _tired,_ ” the word is broken by a whimper as it leaves her lips, and Dina can feel her eyes prick with tears. “I don’t want to feel like this.”

Ellie is crying now, silently, and she looks tired too.

Dina closes her eyes, unable to look at Ellie. _Fuck._ “I-,” Dina twists her hands in Ellie’s shirt, grasping onto her tightly as though Ellie is an anchor. “I’m so fucking _tired_ , Ellie. I can’t- what is wrong with me?” She is sobbing now, struggling to breathe, “He was- he was crying and I couldn’t get up. I’m meant to be okay, to be solid. _Why_ couldn’t I get up?”

Ellie rubs her back soothingly. “As much as we want to be okay,” she says softly, almost timidly. “It’s okay that we’re not?” It’s a question, and Dina can tell from Ellie’s tone that she doesn’t entirely believe it.

“JJ deserves better,” Dina says resignedly. _Than me. Than you. Than us._

“You and JJ deserve the world,” Ellie affirms, running her fingers through Dina’s greasy hair.

“JJ deserves better,” Dina repeats. _If Ellie had left, what would have happened? Why didn’t I get up?_

“You should have a shower,” Ellie says quietly, rubbing Dina’s neck softly. “It might help you relax.”

“It’s not going to fix anything,” Dina says bitterly. _I’m slipping._

“I know,” Ellie nods. “Come on.”

She leads Dina to the shower, smiling softly at JJ sleeping in his crib on the way. Dina watches vacantly, not really present throughout the process. Ellie removes Dina’s clothes and her own. She washes Dina’s hair and rubs the knots out of her shoulders. Hands strong, tender and unwavering.

She helps Dina towel herself off, hands her fresh pyjamas, strips their bed quickly and quietly, before remaking it and returning to Dina to help into the clothes she had barely registered holding.

Ellie returns with a mug of tea before Dina realises she had left the room. She’s sitting up in bed now, swaddled in the warmth of the blankets and the tea, and Ellie’s care.

Dina feels like she’s looking at the scene from the outside, like there’s a sheet of film over her vision, foggy and unclear, disjointed.

_What would have happened if she had left?_

_Have I left?_

_Can we take care of JJ like this?_

She’s present now, in the moment and feeling bright and sharp with her pain. She almost spills the tea as she gasps but Ellie holds her hand steady. Ellie takes the mug from her, setting it on Dina’s bedside table and sitting beside her on the edge of the bed.

“Just breathe, it’s okay,” Ellie says quietly, her hand is warm and steady on Dina’s chest. It’s above her heart, placing a reassuring pressure there, fingers tucked inside the collar of Dina’s shirt, and Dina forces herself to breathe with Ellie.

Her chest is tight, and for a moment- for a moment, her skin hurts.

When she catches her breath, she feels more exhausted than before. Like she’s survived something.

“I can’t stay here,” she pants, watching as her words settle against Ellie. “I need to leave.” She sits up then, trying to calm her breath again. _What is wrong with me?_

“Dina,” Ellie says softly, pleadingly. “I’m trying, I’m going to keep trying, I’m sorry.”

“Ellie,” Dina repeats. “ _I_ can’t stay here. _I_ need to leave.”

“I- but this is our home?” Ellie asks; she’s confused and fraying, wiping stubbornly at her tears.

“I want to go back to Jackson,” Dina affirms, her chest tight. “Please.”

Ellie nods stubbornly, “It’ll- okay, I’ll always be here.”

“Will you?” Dina asks sharply and without thinking, standing to move away from Ellie, her voice low, conscious of her sleeping son.

Ellie winces, sitting up and moving to the edge of the bed, fidgeting with her hands in her lap, but she doesn’t meet Dina’s eyes.

Dina waits only a moment for her response before continuing. “You weren’t even going to leave a note.”

Ellie is still, chin still against her chest.

“Ellie,” Dina says again, her voice louder now. “What did you think would happen if you left? To me?”

Ellie shrugs. “I thought you’d be happ-”

“Don’t,” Dina almost hisses at her. “Fuck, Ellie,” she groans, she turns and for a moment her chest burns so bright she wants to put her fist through the wall. She doesn’t though, clenching her hands by her side. “You think I just wouldn’t notice?” She says quietly. “I’d just wake up and carry on?”

Ellie looks at her then, finally, her eyes pained.

“I-” Dina feels nauseous, her head is light, and for a moment she staggers under the weight of her emotions. “I think you trying to leave without saying goodbye hurts the most.”

“I didn’t leave,” Ellie replies quietly. “I’m not leaving, not as long as you want me.”

“I’m leaving, Ellie,” Dina tells her. “Right fucking now,” she grabs a bag then, ignoring harsh rattle of the drawers as she stuffs clothing into her backpack. “I’m fucking leaving.”

“Dina,” Ellie says, trying to offer her hands to placate her. “It’s- it’s night time, you should get some rest-”

“You were going to leave in the middle of the night,” Dina snaps. She zips her bag shut, shouldering it as she pulls another bag out. She tries to ignore Ellie’s gaze as she begins collecting clothes for JJ. “Why can’t I?”

“Dina,” Ellie says, almost warningly. “It’s not safe, please.”

“I need to go to Jackson,” Dina says resolutely. “You can’t change my mind.”

Dina feels both electric and absent. She feels like all the energy she had been drained of is suddenly sparking and screaming in her blood, _move, move, move._ She feels removed from it all somehow, there’s a strength in her anger, but also a level of weakness in her light-headedness. She feels faint. _JJ needs to be in Jackson._

Her hands shake when she reaches for JJ, stopped by Ellie’s firm hands.

“I’ll take him,” Ellie says quietly, brow furrowed. “Can I ride with you? Please? I don’t have to stay, I just- I’ll make sure you get there okay.”

Dina brings the horses around, fixing their saddles before Ellie emerges from the house, still frowning. She’s put JJ in warmer pyjamas, placed him securely in the sling around her chest, and has Joel’s tan jacket half zipped up around him.

Dina has to blink through her tears to realise Ellie is holding a jacket out to her.

“I’m fine,” she says, trying to brush it off but Ellie holds it out insistently and Dina lets Ellie help her into the jacket.

She only notices absently in the moonlight that the far tree in the paddock now stands alone. It’s silhouette unaccompanied by the broken down shed. _When did Ellie take that down?_

\--

They make it most of the way in silence. JJ had stirred with the movement of the horse but he was secure in the sling and cradled with a sure arm. _How can I trust you like this when I don’t trust you?_

The trip isn’t long; their home was less than an hour from Jackson’s gates. It’s only when Dina sees the lights in their approach that she turns to Ellie and speaks again. “What did you think would happen if you left?” She repeats. “To you?”

Ellie bows her head, Dina can see the tremor of a shrug in her shoulders but Ellie is still and careful of JJ. “I would have tried to _finish_ it,” she says darkly.

“What does finishing it even mean?” Dina asks, sounding distant to herself.

“Kill her or myself,” Ellie says quietly, her eyes almost glowing in the moonlight.

“You said you didn’t plan on dying,” Dina says softly.

“No one ever does,” Ellie says under her breath, but Dina hears it clearly.

There’s a coldness that settles in Dina’s chest then, and it doesn’t fade or shake until she’s wrapped in Helen’s arms. Jesse’s mother was confused and worried at the sight of Dina on her doorstep but welcomed her warmly.

“I just want to go to bed,” Dina says softly, ignoring Helen’s questions. “Can we please just stay here?”

Helen nods hesitantly, leading Dina to the guest room and Dina barely notices Ellie in the corner, standing over the crib Jesse’s parents had gotten for when JJ stays the night.

“What’s going on?” The low voice of Jesse’s father, Robin, can be heard from outside the room.

“They need a place to stay, I think they just need some support,” Helen says, her tone worried. “It’s good they came to us, you know that.”

“Are they alright?” Robin asks, and for a moment Dina thinks they will return to the room but they don’t.

Dina lies in bed, staring at the ceiling and waits for things to stop, to slow, to pause. _How the fuck do you fall asleep?_ She thinks, feeling so beyond tired that she doesn’t really feel her eyes begin to close and her thoughts begin to cease.

\--

Dina wakes to JJ talking to himself, his little mumbles and laughs filling the air. Dina reaches without thinking for Ellie and finds nothing but cold sheets.

She doesn’t know what she expected.

They hadn’t shared a bed since the night Ellie tried to leave, the night Ellie left. _She walked out, the door closed, it counts as leaving._

_Did she leave last night?_

Dina gets out of bed slowly, feeling heavy, and approaches JJ with a smile that comes easier than it should after last night. “Hey, buddy,” she coos softly. “Did you sleep okay after all that excitement?”

She hears Ellie then, groaning from behind her. She turns and finds Ellie on the floor, face haggard and rubbing her neck.

“You slept on the floor?” Dina asks.

Ellie shrugs, rolling her shoulders restlessly as she stands. Dina realises then that she used her coat bundled up as a pillow.

“Ellie, you should have slept in the bed,” Dina says, her eyes focused on the untouched second pillow that Ellie didn’t use. _Or at least used a pillow._

“I didn’t want to assume anything,” Ellie says quietly, and she presses herself against the side of the crib, running her fingers through JJ’s hair and trying to smile at him.

_I didn’t even realise you didn’t get in the bed._

“I- I want to give you space, I- I thought that was kinda the point of leaving last night,” Ellie continues. “You said you needed to leave.”

“I felt like I was suffocating,” Dina offers, her words feeling uncertain in her mouth. “I keep feeling like I can’t breathe.” _I feel like I can’t trust myself with JJ._

“I know what that’s like,” Ellie says softly.

“It fucking sucks.”

“Yeah,” Ellie agrees, almost breathlessly. “Anyway,” she says softly. “I should get going.”

Dina looks at her sharply, stomach twisted nervously.

“I- I’m going to go back to the house,” Ellie says softly. “I- you were so tired last night… I didn’t want to leave without saying goodbye.”

“Goodbye?” Dina hears herself say.

“I need to take care of the sheep, feed the chickens, water the crops,” Ellie tells her. “It won’t take me long, and I’ll come back. I promise.”

“I don’t- I don’t want you there by yourself,” Dina says softly. “I know- I know you aren’t okay either, and you’ve been doing so much-”

“It’s always easier to take care of someone else,” Ellie interrupts, placing a warm hand on top of Dina’s. “Than yourself.”

_I kept myself together for her, but not really. She’s keeping herself together for me, but not really. How could we possibly raise a child together?_

“I love you,” Ellie says softly. “Can I- can I kiss you?”

Dina nods, so focused on the tears in Ellie’s eyes as Ellie leans closer that she barely feels the soft kiss that Ellie places on her cheek.

Dina grasps Ellie’s shirt and pulls her forward then, kissing her firmly on the lips. It’s chaste and lingering.

Dina’s thoughts drift when Ellie takes her hand, squeezing it gently, and distantly she can feel her place a kiss there. She doesn’t watch Ellie leave, trying to focus on her son.

It’s only after Ellie has left that Dina feels the bracelet now sitting on her wrist.

\--

If Helen and Robin want to ask what’s going on, they do an admirable job of hiding it. Dina spends most of her day looking at JJ; she tries to eat food but cannot taste it until it sours in her mouth; she thinks about Ellie, and she thinks about Seattle.

She never sees it in her dreams but she feels it. She wakes to the dread, the apprehension, straining her ears to hear the screaming and grunting that’s just out of reach. She feels like she’ll turn a corner and find Abby beating Ellie down, like she’ll walk into a room and hear herself screaming, all desperation and futility.

She knows what happened that night, she knows what she remembers and what Ellie has told her, she knows which blood stains were hers and which weren’t.

It happened so quickly.

Waking to agonising noises, finding nothing but a knife, screaming and slashing at the demon, a sharp pain blooming from her shoulder, seizing her chest, making her fall, and then concrete.

She’s not sure how many times her face was smashed into the ground - she only remembers two.

She traces the scar on her forehead absently. It never aches as much as her shoulder but it’s there; a reminder of what occurred.

There had been a cut on her throat too, and she remembers looking at herself in the mirror as the skin slowly knit itself together. A tiny wound for something that would have been so much more. She was so close to dying, and Ellie’s pleas had been worthless. It was the boy who had stopped her. A child’s mercy.

She almost wishes there was a scar on her neck.

Pulling themselves together was almost impossible. Ellie wanted to focus solely on Dina, and almost refused at first to let Dina find the others.

Find the bodies.

Tommy had been clinging to life.

She doesn’t know how they made it back to Jackson.

\--

The day disappears quickly, Dina’s mind drifts through a fog and she only briefly notes the lingering stares from Jesse’s parents. She appreciates that they hold only concern, and occasionally she feels that concern for herself as well.

“I’m going to go for a walk,” she tells Helen softly, letting her feet lead her through the town.

Maria finds her at the diner a couple of hours later. It’s dark outside now and Dina is sitting by herself in the corner, slumped into a booth table, three beers settled in her stomach, a fourth in her hand, staring at her wrist blankly, eyes tracing the Hamsa symbol on her bracelet.

“Interesting to see you here,” Maria tells her, and she takes Dina’s drink and has a long pull of it.

Dina huffs but sits back, waiting for Maria’s judgement.

“Ellie’s at my place,” Maria says. “Found her on her way out of town this morning, and told her she’d be staying with me for a bit once she returns.”

“Don’t let Tommy near her,” Dina says darkly, protectively. _He shouldn’t fucking look at her._

“I’m not going to let that _idiot_ near her,” Maria tells her, placating. “I know what he said to her.”

Dina sniffs, rubbing her tired eyes. “He said you two were taking some time apart.”

“I asked him to leave,” Maria says plainly. “There’s only so much time you can spend waiting for someone to _want_ to heal.”

Dina hums in response.

“I know you and Ellie both want to be better,” Maria tells her gently, reaching out to take Dina’s hand gently. “But you probably can’t do it by yourself.”

“We’re fine,” Dina lies. “I mean… she’s not, but I’m just- I’m tired and need a break.”

“You’re not okay, Dina,” Maria tells her. “Have you thought about speaking to someone?”

“I’m speaking to you,” Dina says with a half-hearted smile, reaching to take her beer back but Maria moves it out of reach.

“I’m talking about someone who you can talk to regularly, as a professional, not a friend,” Maria’s eyes soften. “Who you can say whatever you want to, and who can maybe help you build your capacity to cope in healthier ways.” She punctuates her sentence by holding the beer bottle up like a salute and then tipping the rest of the drink back.

“Sounds like you got a pretty good pitch prepared,” Dina laughs. “You practice that beforehand?”

“Yeah,” Maria grins, sliding to get out of the booth. “About an hour ago with Ellie.”

“How’d it go?”

“Jury’s still out,” Maria shrugs. “The name is Irene Thompson, she lives three houses down from the carpentry workshop. Blue painted house at the end of the street, flowers in the front yard. She’s nice, you can trust her.”

Dina nods absently, processing the words but still focused on Ellie. “Ellie’s back?”

“I believe she went to look for you,” Maria says. “I imagine she wasn’t successful with that.”

Dina shakes her head. “I should go back.”

“Irene Thompson, blue house, three down from the carpenter’s,” Maria repeats.

The words loop in Dina’s head as she walks back to Jesse’s parents house.

\--

Ellie is sitting on the porch, a soft blanket spread out beneath her, her legs crossed at the ankles, bracketing JJ, who is sitting with her. They are rolling a ball between them, a smile on Ellie’s lips as she looks at her son.

Dina approaches slowly, overly aware of the smell of alcohol on her breath. “Hey,” she says nervously.

“Hey,” Ellie says, her smile more shaky now but still in place.

JJ gurgles up at Dina, reaching to be picked up. She had barely spent time with him today, and she scoops him up gently, settling him against her hip and hugging him close. “Hey baby, I love you,” she murmurs, pressing kisses against his cheeks as he laughs.

Ellie stands awkwardly, hovering, and Dina can see the moment Ellie smells the alcohol on her, her eyes narrowing slightly, her smile slipping before she can change her expression to be more neutral.

“How was the farm?” Dina asks.

Ellie shrugs. “Felt odd to be there, which feels dumb.”

“You’re, uh, you’re gonna stay at Maria’s?” Dina asks, adjusting JJ slightly, letting him tuck his face into her neck.

“Maria found me this morning on my way out, essentially told me I would be,” Ellie smiles. “I take it she spoke to you too?” Dina nods, and Ellie plays with her hands. She adds brittlely, “Tommy won’t be there.”

“You gonna talk to that woman?” Dina asks, rubbing JJ’s back gently and bouncing him on her hip.

“Mrs Henderson?” Ellie asks.

“I thought her name was Thompson?”

“I don’t know-”

“I think you should,” Dina says quickly. Ellie looks at her with wide eyes. “I- I think it would be good for you to actually talk about things, and not-” Dina’s voice trails off, gesturing uselessly. _Not writing about dying in your journal._

“I meant I don’t know a Thompson, but Maria told me about Mrs Henderson,” Ellie says quietly, tucking her hands in her pockets now. “I already spoke to her, she’s married to that builder, John, who used to yell at us for drinking in the abandoned houses they were repairing.” Ellie rocks on her feet. “I’ve already got a ‘session’ booked for tomorrow,” she says with a smile.

“Oh,” Dina hums. “That’s good then.”

Ellie follows her inside, nodding when Dina asks if JJ had eaten and loitering in the doorway of the guest room as Dina changes JJ into his pyjamas.

She still feels guilty, and the taste of alcohol in her mouth seems to sour. She places JJ gently in his crib, before heading to the bathroom for a long shower, and she brushes her teeth twice before she returns.

Ellie is sitting on the edge of the bed, and stands stiffly when Dina comes back. “I, uh, should I go?” Ellie asks softly, “Or can we keep talking?”

Dina hums as she dresses, thinking about Ellie’s words, about Ellie trying. _This is progress, this is trying._

It’s not the first time something like therapy had come up; they had been pushed toward it before. After Seattle, after they had dragged themselves back in pieces.

Jesse’s parents had rushed to the gate and had known with one look what had happened.

Both Dina and Ellie had pushed others away, hiding from the world in Ellie’s old garage, and slowly, with the change of seasons, their anger had calmed. Ellie began repairing the farmhouse in Dina’s third trimester, JJ was born at the end of Autumn, and they had moved fully into the farm before he was three weeks old.

They had made it six months at the farm, seeking shelter from Jackson and their past.

It was what they both had wanted, and Maria had told her back then that it sounded like they were hiding still.

Maria’s suggestions weren’t entertained then, but they are now.

_If Ellie is going then I will. We owe it to JJ._

“Yeah,” Dina says softly. “We can talk more.” She lifts the sheets on Ellie’s side, climbing into the bed and shuffling across to the middle, holding the sheet up for Ellie to follow. “Lie down with me, please?”

Ellie nods, and joins her. She is warm and solid, and in moments like this, pressed together tightly, Dina thinks about how much softer Ellie used to be. Her skin is still smooth, her touch still light, but she is all bone and hard edges.

“Do you think you’ll ever get your appetite back?” Dina asks tiredly, her head resting on Ellie’s chest, a hand tucked under Ellie’s shirt, resting on her hip.

“What?” Ellie asks, her voice is soft but surprised.

“I don’t know,” Dina mumbles. “You’re so skinny, I just- Do you think you’ll start eating properly again?” Dina has thought about this a lot, about the skinny girl who had arrived in Jackson, who spent her first three weeks in town hording the jerky and eating herself sick. Food used to be scarce, and at times it was on their journey, but Ellie’s lack of appetite had been steady for over a year now and she seemed to keep fading away.

“I-” Ellie shrugs, a hand absently rubbing circles into Dina’s lower back. “I hope so?” She offers weakly.

“Me too,” Dina replies.

“I’ll, um, I’ll keep trying,” Ellie offers awkwardly. “So, um, are you going to go see the Thompson person that Maria told you about? Do you- do you think you would?”

Dina’s gut reaction is no, and her second thought is of JJ, her third of Ellie and the future she had seen for them at the farm. “I’d like to try,” Dina says softly.

Dina presses her lips to Ellie’s chest, right above her heart and lets herself linger.

“I will try,” she affirms. “I promise.”

\--

Later, when she’s closer to sleep and Ellie tries to slip from the bed Dina hugs her tighter. “Please,” she mumbles and Ellie stays.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading, part two is finished it’s just being edited at the moment and will be uploaded in the next couple of days. It was meant to be an epilogue, perhaps 2k words, and once again I did not do that.  
> If you hate yourself, you can stop reading here because this was the original ending - hence two parts, rather than two chapters. I lasted about 10 minutes with this as the ending, and then starting part two as an epilogue which grew to be larger than part one somehow.  
> Brevity is not my best suit.  
> If you would like to yell at me or tell me to actually work on my actual story ideas, you can find me @respectablesentiment on tumblr.


	2. Growth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> an epilogue, of sorts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gracefully edited by my gf, and graciously beta'd by KitSilver.  
> ~As a note, Part 2 was intended to be an epilogue and then somehow got bigger than the actual fic~

**Part 2 (Growth)**

Time passes slowly from that night. Dina seeks out Ms Thompson the next day, and sets a time to talk that afternoon.

Their time together isn’t overly long but it feels both awkward and crushing in a way that makes Dina certain she will not return.

She does though, days later. Their time was set and planned for the afternoon but Dina arrives in the morning, an apology on her lips, face still flushed, and she speaks for what feels like hours about the dread burning a hole in her stomach. About the fear.

Ms Thompson doesn’t smile much, but she is kind. Her voice is soft and sounds like honey, and the walls of her home are filled with pictures of flowers.

It takes two weeks before Ms Thompson puts a paintbrush in Dina’s hand. Painting was never her thing; she was content to watch Ellie draw for hours, but too impatient to attempt it herself.

Dina likes the watercolours though, and she lets herself drift for a bit in her thoughts as Irene explains what art therapy used to mean.

Ellie lights up later when she sees the ink on Dina’s hands, smile broad and genuine, and Dina’s chest feels lighter at the sight.

\--

For two people taking time apart, they spend a lot of time together. Morning and evenings. During the day Ellie goes back to the farmhouse. Dina feels restless when she goes, and her second week back in Jackson she tries to take up work again to give a sense of meaning to her time.

Her time still feels meaningless, she just spends more of it now in the clinic.

Jesse’s mother cares for JJ during the day, doting on him and loving every second of it. She never makes Dina feel judged for her struggles, even on the days she barely gets out of bed. Helen enters the guest room, Dina’s room, quietly, placing a warm cup of tea on the bedside table, a soft kiss on Dina’s forehead and scooping JJ up. Her eyes are always warm and sometimes it reminds Dina so much of her sister that she needs to hold back tears.

\--

By the time JJ is eight months old it is July, he is crawling, and the summer sun has made itself known. They have been in Jackson for four weeks now, and Ellie has organised to move their cattle into town sometime during the week.

Dina feels guilty at times, thinking about the work Ellie must have completed on the farm by herself. She had tried to offer help twice but the words wouldn’t leave her throat and she doesn’t think she’s ready to go back.

Ellie had shame in her eyes when she had first told Dina. “I’m moving the sheep to Jackson in a couple days,” she had said after dinner, and the words had been rehearsed, likely thought through all of dinner, leaving a harsh taste in Ellie’s mouth. Dina appreciates that Ellie waited until they were alone.

“Okay,” Dina shrugs, her eyes stinging with tears that she ignores, curled up on the armchair in the lounge room and flipping absently through a book.

“Dina,” Ellie murmurs, her hand smoothing down Dina’s hair; it’s up on a messy bun and Dina leans into Ellie’s touch as she begins to scratch gently at Dina’s scalp. “It’s a bit too hard to go back and forth everyday, but they’re still ours, and I’ll still care for them. The farm is still there.” It feels like an offering, like more than just her words, Ellie is speaking softly, low and intense, and Dina can feel a warmth in her chest. She’s stepped back from her dream, but Ellie has not.

“I love you,” Dina says softly, the words falling naturally from her mouth despite it being almost a month since she has said them last. She watches Ellie’s eyes widen in surprise.

“I know,” Ellie smiles gently, her eyes softening. “I love you too, so much.” She presses a kiss to Dina’s cheek, her hand lowering and rubbing at Dina’s neck.

They exist quietly for several moments, touching but not really close.

“Let’s go lie down,” Dina says quietly, but it feels abrupt. She takes Ellie’s hand and leads her to her room. It’s unnecessary, she knows Ellie would blindly follow, but she takes her hand regardless, and it feels indulgent.

She wants the security of the embrace, the anonymity of the darkness; she feels like they connect better when they’re pressed together and unseeing.

They curl up in bed together quickly, this time Dina staying flat on her back and guiding Ellie to lie down, pressed into Dina’s side, head on Dina’s chest.

“Not that I don’t love this,” Ellie starts, her voice low, conscious of JJ snoozing in his crib. “Cause I do, but what brought this on?”

“I feel like this is how we do our best talking,” Dina whispers.

Ellie laughs softly, pressing her face into Dina’s neck to muffle the sound of it. Dina’s breath feels like it gets stuck in her throat when she feels Ellie’s lips on her skin. “Okay, yeah, I see that,” Ellie admits.

“We need to do more good talking,” Dina continues.

“More good talking?” Ellie repeats, her voice lilting as she parrots the words back. “Eloque-”

“Anyway,” Dina shushes her, running her hand through Ellie’s hair and trying to offer her the same security and comfort that Ellie had offered her. “Come on, how are you?”

“I’m okay, how are-” Ellie says automatically, faltering before she can finish. Dina can feel Ellie’s hand on her hip, fingers dipping under her shirt and Ellie rubs her thumb along her old scar.

Ellie is hesitating, rethinking the instinctual answer.

_Please talk to me._

“I’m… I’m coping.” Ellie chokes out. “I’m trying with Mrs Henderson, talking is exhausting but I told her about Seattle.” Ellie’s voice cracks on the word, and Dina kisses her temple gently. “I told her about Jesse, and Tommy, what- what Abby did to us, and how I kept thinking about it.”

“Kept?”

Ellie hums and doesn’t address it. “It’s more about Joel than her now.”

“It always was,” Dina says quietly.

“I wish I had-” Dina can feel the warmth of tears through her shirt now; Ellie is crying silently, her hand trembling as she holds Dina’s hip. “I wish I had done things differently, got more time, or told him I wanted to try earlier.”

Dina hums. She wants to offer words of comfort but doesn’t want to interrupt.

“But-” Ellie sniffs. “I don’t know, at least we had that night, y’know?”

“Yeah.”

“He- he knew that I’d- I’d get there,” Ellie says stubbornly, a small whimper falling from her lips.

“He _knows_ , baby,” Dina mumbles, pressing her lips to the top of Ellie’s head. “He’s still with you.”

“I haven’t really talked about him with Mrs Henderson,” Ellie says after several moments of silence, her voice is still emotional but more steady. “But I’ll get there. I want to, it’s just hard.”

“Are you sleeping?” Dina asks softly.

“It’s harder without you,” Ellie whispers softly, and Dina can hear the guilt in Ellie’s words as clearly as she feels it in her chest. “But yeah, a bit. Better than before.” Ellie presses a kiss to Dina’s neck, “How are you?”

“Still a mess,” Dina replies. “It’s, um, I’m working on my ‘self-talk’,” she says with a blush, hidden in the darkness but felt regardless. “About accepting that I’m anxious and talking myself through it in the moment, so I’m not just _stuck_.”

“Is- does that help?” Ellie asks.

“Sometimes,” Dina whispers back.

Ellie hums.

“Will you stay tonight?”

“Yes, of course,” Ellie presses another kiss to her neck. “I love you.”

“I love you too.”

\--

Two weeks pass. Dina feels like she’s read through half the town’s small library but she knows she hasn’t. The shifts at the clinic drag but they make her get out of bed and she enjoys the moments of levity in her chatter with Edith. The structure of three shifts across the week is easily familiar and seems to organise a pattern into her days.

She sees Irene twice a week, in the mornings on Monday and Thursday, spending the rest of the day with JJ or - after particularly bad days - in bed. The other three weekdays are spent at the clinic. Weekends are a mixed bag; she hasn’t figured those out yet.

Fridays are special and have been for a week now.

Robin had been the one to decide, strangely enough.

Fridays are date night.

Being told this by someone she essentially viewed as her father in law was briefly mortifying, but mostly made Dina contemplative.

Her relationship with Ellie had been swift and overwhelming, their feelings solidly rooted in a long friendship, not unsteady but not entirely clear at times. Their early days were mired by loss, and then by violence. They retreated into themselves when they retreated into one another’s arms, and it was a revelation to think about how they never really dated.

Dina doesn’t even know what they are to one another. _She’s mine and I’m hers._ Everything else seems lesser, and unnecessary to think about.

Date night is something she likes, though. Their first was spent at the diner, an awkwardly silent meal which bled into snide remarks about Seth and easy chatter about JJ. They held hands on the way home, and Dina invited Ellie to stay the night. When they found each other in the dark they kissed chastely and whispered confessions until they fell asleep.

Tonight is their second date night, and Ellie is wearing a crisp white button up that, for a second, Dina believes Maria must have ironed. She almost immediately notices the deep crease on Ellie’s right collar and smirks at the thought of Ellie ironing the shirt herself.

Ellie’s shirt is tucked into blue jeans, and she looks relatively tidy except for the dirt splattered on the cuffs of her pants and the bright green of a sock peeking through a hole in her worn down converse sneakers. She’s grinning and she looks relaxed, and for a long moment Dina lets herself take in the sight, her heart twinging painfully in her chest.

“Hey,” Ellie says bashfully. She takes Dina’s hand with only a flicker of hesitation, before leading her absentmindedly from the front yard.

“Hey,” Dina echoes, allowing herself to be led.

Ellie makes it two streets over, their clasped hands swinging slowly between them before she stops. “I, uh, I don’t know where I’m going, where am I going?”

Dina grins, “You’re definitely overdressed for our date, so don’t worry.” She ignores Ellie’s flustered expression, tugging her forward as she leads her toward the main gate. The sun is still up, hanging low on the horizon, but they still have several more hours of summer sunlight to claim as their own.

Ellie groans when she’s led into the stables, dutifully taking a rifle, checking the chamber and slinging it onto her back.

“It’s not patrol, relax,” Dina laughs, grabbing her own rifle and the reins of Japan to lead him out of the stables. She wants to insist on them sharing a horse but knows it’s a bad idea, leaving them more vulnerable if they need to fight.

Ellie doesn’t make a comment on the route as Dina leads her along the creek trails, but Dina sees her bite her lip slightly when she leads her off the path and toward the abandoned old library - Eugene’s sex den.

Their conversation still flows, unstilted as they tie the horses up and close the door securely behind them. Ellie flushes as Dina heads downstairs; she doesn’t take her hand, doesn’t lead her, knowing Ellie will follow.

“I’m sorry,” Ellie says awkwardly. “But I don’t put out on the second date.” Dina can hear the glimmer of pride underneath it; Ellie’s being cheeky and she knows she’s funny. _Do not laugh._

Dina huffs instead, shaking her head to try to force her grin down. She drops her backpack absently, before beginning to search the room.

Ellie watches her, laughing as Dina laments over the number of joints she had abandoned so long ago, still mixed with glass shards on the ground.

“Help me look, come on,” Dina scolds Ellie.

“What am I looking for?” Ellie asks, holding up a dust covered porno tape to Dina questioningly.

Dina rolls her eyes, “Obviously some more bud.”

“Is that your plan to romance me?”

“It worked the first time,” Dina says under her breath, and she hears Ellie chuckle and knows she heard. “Besides,” she says. “I did bring some alcohol just in case, but I-” she falters. “I thought we could just have a night to be kids again.”

“We kinda still are kids,” Ellie says quietly.

“Well, I mean you are, yes, but I’m an adult now.”

“You’re like eight months older than me, shut up,” Ellie laughs. “I don’t imagine whatever we find will be good to smoke, though.”

“Shouldn’t kill us,” Dina shrugs, then whoops loudly as she finds another jar in a cabinet near the gas mask bong. “Success!”

“It’s going to be disgusting,” Ellie says, her nose wrinkling as she looks at the almost rotten decayed plants around them.

“It would have been dried before he rolled them, come on,” Dina huffs, struggling once again with the lid to the jar.

“I’ve got it,” Ellie says, taking the jar and eventually succeeding in opening it, ignoring Dina’s eyes on her from the couch.

Ellie joins her then, offering the jar to Dina who ignores the gesture to pluck out a single joint and light it. She sits with her legs curled up under her, Ellie with her back against the side of the couch and her legs bent and halfway to her chest. Dina grins as she takes her first drag, holding the smoke in her chest and thinking about how their positions mirror the last time they were here.

She wonders briefly if Ellie is thinking of their time together, or what happened later that night. How things soured and blew up so quickly. As Dina blows the smoke out slowly, she thinks about how she had found Ellie; seeing Joel first and feeling frozen at the sight of Ellie, the blood on her face, her still form - but she was still there. Blissfully and torturously alive, waking into a howling nightmare that consumed their lives; that _still_ consumed their lives.

Dina’s eyes are closed now, and she only notices when she opens them, Ellie’s fingers brushing hers gently to take the joint. “It cannot possibly be that potent,” Ellie says softly, trying to smile at her. “Are you okay?”

“Are you?” Dina asks dismissively.

Ellie shrugs, adding playfully, “You know I don’t share unless we’re half naked in bed together.”

“Fuck,” Dina teases back. “And all that for a cuddle, imagine what sex would get me.”

Ellie laughs as she exhales, choking almost and coughing to settle her stomach. “You’re a dick.”

Dina bites her lip, taking the joint back slowly. “It would probably be some big emotional breakdown, full tears, maybe some sobbing,” her lips curl at the sight of Ellie rolling her eyes.

Ellie huffs, taking another joint out of the jar absently and holding it up for Dina to light.

“Oh, are we not sharing?”

“Light it, I need to actually feel something to get through this conversation with you,” Ellie says; her eyes are still light though.

They sit silently, smoking and breathing in the quiet.

“I’m doing okay,” Dina offers. “Reading a lot, I wanted to come out here to pick up some of Eugene’s stuff,” she says softly. “I thought I could try to work out radios for the town, maybe to use between the watchtower and the clinic at first, but eventually between patrols and the main watchtower.” She shrugs. “I didn’t want to come here by myself, or- or send someone else here.”

Ellie nods, “Maria will love that idea. I’m sure you’ll get it to work, you’ve always been clever.”

“Is it- is it weird for you?” Dina asks, “Being here again, I mean.”

“I’m thinking about our time together,” Ellie says softly, taking another languid drag, Dina watches her lips as they blow the smoke out slowly. “Not what happened afterwards, if that’s what you’re trying to ask.”

Dina nods. 

“What did Ms Thompson think of your date night idea?” Ellie asks, changing the topic.

Dina shrugs. “I’ve talked to her about date night, but didn’t really explain my idea.” Ellie nods. “Did you- did you talk to Mrs Henderson about your idea?”

Ellie huffs, looking away from Dina purposefully, but it makes the flush working its way up Ellie’s neck more prominent.

“We just went to the _diner_ ,” Dina laughs, and the length to which she does is what tells her she’s buzzed.

“You know people used to smoke this shit for medical purposes,” Ellie offers later, once Dina has quieted. “It was used to treat like mental illness, and reduce vomiting, and treat, um, that seizure thing?”

“Epilepsy?” Dina asks, Ellie nods in reply and Dina hums. “They would separate out stuff from the plant, make an oil or something so it just relaxes you and doesn’t get you high. Some people would smoke it to help with anxiety.”

“We should have come back earlier,” Ellie mutters.

“That’s where we went wrong,” Dina grins. “If we had been growing this at the farm, we would have been fine.”

The joke falls flatly between them; briefly Dina thinks it’s funny but as she takes the last hit and flicks the roach to the ground beside them she realises that it isn’t.

“I love you,” Dina says, her tone now serious.

Ellie brow is furrowed, her joint mostly burnt out in her left hand, and her right is rubbing her temple. “I love you too,” she mutters softly. “I’m- I’m really sorry for how I was at the farm,” she says. “And for how I am now.”

“You shouldn’t be apologising,” Dina says softly. “I- you don’t need to anymore.”

“Don’t I?” Ellie asks. “I packed a bag, and I walked out when you were begging me to stay. I _left_.”

“Did you?”

Ellie is silent.

“ _You came back_ ,” Dina continues, her hands feel restless but she doesn’t reach for Ellie.

“You said you wouldn’t do it again,” Ellie points out, voice low.

“And you said that that it was up to me,” Dina responds.

Ellie nods slowly; her eyes are a bit cloudy and Dina can see her processing their words.

Dina shifts so her body faces Ellie’s more directly, loosening the bracelet on her wrist and holding it between them. Ellie is watching her with more focus now, eyes flickering between her hands and Dina’s face.

Dina hears a soft noise from Ellie when she lifts the bracelet up and offers it to her directly; it could have been a whimper but she’s not sure.

“I don’t deserve that,” Ellie says softly.

Dina’s eyes are both pleading and patient, her mouth set but trembling.

Slowly Ellie offers her hand, her right again, and Dina’s eyes trace the leaves of her tattoo as she fastens the bracelet to Ellie’s wrist.

“I know it means protection and not luck,” Ellie says softly. “I’ve read about it.”

“The Hamsa symbolises a lot of things,” Dina replies, her fingers gently stroking Ellie’s wrist. “Protection is at the heart of it, and luck is a part of that, and so is peace.” She kisses Ellie’s palm. “It- it’s important to me.”

“Which is why you should-”

“Ellie,” Dina says tenderly, and Ellie falls silent. “It's important to me because it makes me feel connected to my faith and to my family. I- I know you don’t have faith, but you are my family… and it makes me feel connected to you even when you’re far away.”

“Like a tether,” Ellie adds softly. Dina thinks about their time in Seattle, how she spent the days waiting and listening, feeling disconnected and connected at the same time.

“Like a tether,” Dina affirms, and when she does she thinks about how she spent her days on the farm, waiting and listening, feeling disconnected and connected at the same time.

\--

It’s August and JJ is nine months old, growing more stubborn each day. They’ve recently moved in together, into a small green weatherboard house one street over from Jesse’s parents. Since their time at the library, they haven’t spent a night apart.

A return to the farm remains undiscussed, but the need for their own space and their space together feels important. It’s close enough to the support of Jesse’s parents that Dina still feels comfortable that JJ is safe and supported.

JJ’s newest trick emerges from his developing fine motor skills; the ability to grasp objects more tightly is something he is very enthused about.

“Ellie, you need to handle your son,” Dina says with a laugh, relinquishing the spoon to JJ’s determined hands. “He’s a mess, he gets it from you.” She stands, leaving JJ to contentedly smoosh the mashed sweet potato against his face.

Ellie looks at her, grinning, from the kitchen sink. She dries her hands quickly, flinging the tea towel at Dina as she walks over to replace her. “You’re on dishes, then.”

Ellie coos at JJ as she tries to keep him focused on eating his food and not wearing it. She does her best and isn’t entirely successful, trying to scrape the food from his chin and offer it to him again.

“Oh so he’s good for his mummy, but not his mama, I get it,” Dina says playfully.

“Mama’s too pretty, she just distracted you,” Ellie murmurs absently, moving her mouth at JJ as she tries to get him to mimic her and accept the food.

“Not sure it was me but I’ll take it,” Dina mutters as she dries the dishes.

The work is comforting, in a way; she had helped Helen and Robin around the house before, when she was able to, but it felt nice to do her own household chores again. Her chest is light today, mind still lingering on the boxes they need to unpack.

Ellie and Robin had gone out to the farm days prior to collect more clothes and personal effects for them. Dina had finally accepted that perhaps packing the farm up fully might be warranted - but she knows she isn’t ready yet for that.

Ellie had retrieved the guitar and spent the last few evenings strumming it quietly to JJ.

Dina’s looking forward to unpacking her knitting supplies; summer was coming to an end and she wanted to knit JJ a larger beanie for the coming cold. Maybe a jumper for Ellie.

_Ugh, Ellie._

Dina is happy they’re living together again; the few nights here and there in the two months they had been in Jackson weren’t enough. Not after a whole year of living together. Ellie still brings out her journal, just as she had taken it to Dina’s every day when they lived apart, taking it out of her bag and placing it out in the open for Dina to read if she wanted to. Dina never does.

Dina had asked her to bring back one specific thing from the farm, the small terracotta plaque they had made an impression of JJ’s hand and foot in when he was a newborn. It was the one thing that she had wanted more than anything else, and Ellie had nodded solemnly and excused herself. She returned ten minutes later, presenting the plaque to Dina silently.

 _It’s good to be together again,_ Dina thinks as she watches Ellie attempt to feed a wriggling JJ. Ellie had still spent time with him regularly when they were living apart, but it felt like it was something she was asking permission for, like she was chaperoned while caring for her own son.

Dina’s eyes shift to the plaque on the mantle. ‘ _Light of Our Lives, JJ’_ she reads in Ellie’s attempt at neat handwriting. Ellie had it on her bedside table for two months, when she was sleeping apart from them.

Her mind interjects before she can help herself, _I’ve been waiting for dawn, but the light is all gone, I’ve lost the light._ She takes a steadying breath, carefully placing the mug she had dried on the counter and willing her hand not to shake as her stomach feels like it falls to her feet. _Intrusive thoughts are not my own,_ she tells herself dutifully, gripping the edge of the counter tightly.

It has been over two months since she read Ellie’s words and small snippets still haunt her. It’s something she had discussed with Ms Thompson, another reason why she never takes the offer of Ellie’s journal. She wants to trust what’s in front of her, the Ellie that Ellie presents, _the mask keeps getting heavier, it’s sliding off my face._

_No._

She knows those words weren’t final, they were written in a journal, thought over and contemplated. Crossed out. Wrong by Ellie’s account and by her own.

Ellie isn’t wearing a mask; she had approached Dina about a panic attack two days prior. _Ellie is open and sharing, she’s not okay and she’s talking._

Ellie had been working exclusively farm rotation shifts in the back fields; she had been startled by a tree being felled not far from where the worked, a rope had snapped and left the full brunt of the tree’s trunk to crack thunderously as it landed on the ground.

Ellie had been lost in her mind at the noise, and she had found Dina at the clinic as soon as she had found her way back to herself. Rushing in, face flushed, eyes wide, hands clammy and reaching, throwing herself into Dina’s arms and sobbing openly.

It had been her first panic attack in three weeks, and regardless of how weak Ellie felt afterwards, Dina sees it as a sign of her growth.

Ellie reaches for her, sharing with her what went through her mind afterwards, talking about her therapy sessions, about her nightmares. It’s not always easy Dina can tell; at times Ellie’s voice is thick with tears and stubbornly shaking, but she seems to will herself through it. And it makes Dina want to offer more of herself up, no longer hiding her cracks, and letting Ellie _see_ her.

Dina takes a steadying breath, focusing on Ellie now babbling back to JJ.

“Oh is that so?” Ellie says softly, “Why do you think that is?”

JJ is waving his arms wildly, saying something that Ellie accepts and nods along thoughtfully, humming at the appropriate moments, wiping his chin with a soft cloth.

“Well, Spud,” Ellie chuckles. “I’m glad you’re sharing this with me, I’m honoured.”

Dina knows this isn’t a distraction for Ellie anymore, this isn’t a mask. _Ellie is here, she’s open and sharing, broken and healing, talking and trying._

They are both still struggling, pain still sharp at times, but Dina feels more secure in her arms, more connected, and to her it feels like Ellie is more present in a way she wasn’t before.

\--

Two weeks pass and it’s Ellie’s birthday. Neither girl mentions it, but Dina wakes before Ellie and spends several long moments willing herself to get up and make the pancakes for her, as she had planned. She had raspberries set aside, hidden in the back of the fridge, fresh and picked the day before.

Today feels similar to many others since they’d moved to the new house. Ellie’s limbs are heavy and she’s sleeping soundly, draped over Dina. She’d only had a handful of night terrors in the new house, and otherwise she’d slept deeply and the bags under her eyes had lightened.

Dina feels like she won’t ever get over the warmth of their embrace. It should be uncomfortable, perhaps sticky in the fading summer heat, but instead it's encompassing and cosy. It somehow feels different from before, and in the mornings when Dina wakes first, she lets herself linger in it.

Comparing the embrace to those from the farm.

She cannot place it, but it feels different.

Closer, more restful, more secure.

Their embrace and their kisses feel sweeter somehow, all pink lips and sighs, and sometimes it feels like they’re coming together for the first time when she knows they are not.

She sometimes wishes this was their beginning but knows it isn’t helpful to do so.

They had started sleeping together again, properly, intimately, kissing often, fervent and earnest, and Dina aches for her in a way she hadn’t in a long time. It had happened almost casually, the moment heated but calm, dark eyes and soft lips, it felt like coming home, something they’d done a hundred times before but not quite like this. 

Dina doesn’t think she’ll ever get over the way Ellie’s hips move when she rides Dina’s fingers, how sure and thorough Ellie’s mouth is on her, the taste of Ellie on her tongue, or the _stretch_ of Ellie’s fingers as she fucks her.

It feels raw and honest, and Dina feels consumed with the heat of it and the way pink creeps up Ellie’s chest, like Ellie’s whole body is blushing for _her_.

Dina manages to drag herself out of bed, attempting to clear her thoughts, heart twinging at the sight of Ellie reaching for her in her sleep.

Ellie emerges later half dressed, the smell of raspberry hotcakes in the air; her hair is pulled back messily, clearly unbrushed, JJ is on her hip, and the way that both of their eyes are half open but blearily looking for food makes Dina swoon.

She isn’t sure whether JJ and Ellie appreciates them more. JJ is still new to solid food and they had established through summer that he was fond of berries. JJ manages to eat a whole one himself, and Ellie eats three eagerly and quickly before waiting for Dina to have her fill and finish the remainder.

Ellie’s lips are stained red by the time she finishes eating, and Dina kisses her firmly. Sourness coats Ellie’s lips but the kiss tastes so saccharine that Dina needs pause to breathe.

“I love you,” Dina says softly, panting against Ellie’s lips, their foreheads resting against each other. “So much, I’m so glad you’re here and with me, and safe and healing,” she laughs, babbling now, giddy and not willing to stop. “I _love_ you, and I love our son, thank you for being here, thank you for-”

Ellie kisses her again, hands cupping her face, pulling her closer as Dina awkwardly leans forward from her chair. She feels unsteady and almost inebriated. “I’m sorry I ever thought of leaving,” Ellie murmurs against her lips. “I know I have my problems still, but you have to know… I don’t _ever_ think of that anymore.”

“You- you don’t?”

“Never, and I won’t ever again,” Ellie says solemnly. The moment feels serious yet light between them, sticky lips and soft hands, JJ mumbling and chattering to himself softly beside them. “My future is with you and our son, I’m not- I-” She huffs, frustrated at her words. “I’m still a bit fucked,” she winces as Dina’s eyes narrow, looking apologetically toward JJ. “I’m still, y’know, but I can feel myself changing. I’m not- forcing it or pretending, but I visit Joel’s grave, and talk about him with Mrs Henderson, and I’ve been sleeping through the night more, I- I feel less empty when I’m alone.”

Dina kisses her again, deeply, it feels intoxicating and heavy, addictive. She pulls back, licking her lips again as she looks at Ellie. “I got you a present for your birthday,” she says softly. Her eyes saying the words she doesn’t, _thank you for sharing this, I am happy for you, I am excited for us._

Dina squeezes Ellie’s hands before standing and making her way into the kitchen, pulling out a small cloth-covered parcel from the far corner cabinet, behind the mixing bowls.

“Is that where you hide stuff from me?” Ellie laughs boisterously.

“You literally would have never found this,” Dina grins. “Admit it.”

Ellie shrugs, sneaking the tiny piece of pancake remaining on Dina’s plate and popping it into her mouth.

Dina’s heart almost sings at the sight, _if she likes them enough to eat this much, I need to get a lot more raspberries._

“I thought the pancakes were my present,” Ellie says, pulling JJ into her lap as he begins to fuss and running her fingers through his hair to soothe him. Her pale sleep shirt has pink stains on it within seconds of JJ touching her and Dina fights the urge to roll her eyes. “I really liked them,” Ellie smiles.

“And I really like you, so you get two presents,” Dina tells her, placing the parcel in front of her and grabbing a wet cloth to wipe hopelessly at JJ’s mouth and hands.

Ellie wriggles with JJ on her lap, shifting him to set properly with his back against her chest, and holding his pudgy arms up for Dina to wipe at his hands. “What is it, buddy?” Ellie coos to him gently, pressing a kiss to his cheek and reaching for the present.

It’s a journal.

An empty diary, a clean slate.

It’s leatherbound, with a small curled fern pressed into the centre of the cover. She frowns slightly as she brings it closer to her, tracing the fern slowly, fingers dipping into the grooves pressed into the cover. “This is beautiful,” she says quietly, eyes wide.

“I thought- I thought it would be fitting,” Dina says quietly, almost nervous but not quite, with the taste of Ellie and raspberries on her lips. “For our new chapter together.”

“This is wonderful, thank you so much,” Ellie says breathlessly, opening the book to flip through the blank pages.

“I used some of Joel’s old tools,” Dina says quietly. “The ones we donated to the workshop… to carve a stencil and press it into the leather. Took a couple tries but-” She shrugs, “I had help, and I think I did a good job of it.”

Dina watches Ellie flip the book over; in the bottom right corner of the back cover there is another pressing, an open hand with an eye in its palm.

“Protection,” Ellie says quietly, her eyes now on Dina’s; they’re a bit red and for a second Dina’s chest feels tight.

The moment is broken with JJ squealing, reaching for the book in front of him, and Ellie smiles as she takes his hand and presses it gently to the Hamsa, his fingers barely following the grooves of the embossing.

“I love it, thank you.”

\--

At ten months old it is September and JJ is talking. Most of what he says is garbled but his first ‘mama’ was as clear as day. He said it while reaching up for Dina when she returned home from the clinic one evening, eyes tired from spending the day deep in electronics, lost in her own world in the small office Maria helped her set up adjacent to the clinic. She had two radios operational now and more to come.

Dina kept it together but she saw Ellie wiping at her tears. “He’s so big,” Ellie said softly, and her eyes said everything she didn’t. Dina knows without saying where her head is, astonished and proud and relieved. _I’m glad you didn’t miss this, too._

He says it often now, using the terms ‘ma’ and ‘mama’ interchangeably for both of them, and they take extra care to refer to Jesse as ‘dada’ when they tell him stories. 

A small envelope was shoved under their door the night of Ellie’s birthday, her name messily scrawled across the front. It sits on the hall table, unopened, gathering dust. They know without saying who it is from - the ghost that they have somehow managed to avoid seeing in their three months of living in Jackson.

It’s a Saturday and Ellie had planned a picnic for the three of them. Today is meant to be a good day. Dina wakes with a weight on her chest, thoughts reeling from a dream that had plunged her into fear, and red, and pain.

The scar on her shoulder burns; she spent half the day humming yesterday, and now she wants to stop existing.

Ellie is up and out of bed; distantly Dina can hear the shower, but then Ellie is back and getting JJ out of his crib, and Dina realises the rushing noise in her ears hasn’t stopped. Her fingers twitch and she wants to dig them into her shoulder, to scratch at the ache, but her arms are heavy. She feels stuck and overwhelmed; her chest is moving and she tries to force herself to make a sound but cannot.

Panic grips her chest tighter and she wants to call for Ellie, but her lips won’t move.

 _This is temporary, this is how I feel, and that’s fine, and it will pass_ , she tells herself, the words she practiced carefully with Ms Thompson.

She can’t breathe, chest stuttering in stillness; she must whimper or make some semblance of a noise she can’t hear, and then Ellie is there.

Eyes careful and concerned, sitting on the edge of the bed, her mouth moving.

Dina cannot hear the words.

She can feel the hand on her chest above her heart, and she sees her other hand in Ellie’s, pressed to Ellie’s chest as Ellie breathes slowly in front of her.

“-okay, just breathe, in and out,” Ellie says calmly. “Come on babe, just focus, in and out.”

And then Dina is back in herself, sudden and sharp, like the snap of a rubber band, and she hauls herself up, panting and breathing and shaking.

“Fuck,” she gasps.

“It’s alright, you’re alright,” Ellie mutters softly, rubbing Dina’s back soothingly. “Just focus on your breathing.”

By the time her breath is under control, Dina notices the tear stains on the blanket, and then feels them on her face. She’s cradled in Ellie’s arms now; Ellie has shifted behind her, her legs bracketing Dina, and her lips pressed against her shoulder.

“I’m sorry,” Dina whimpers, wiping at her eyes. She leans back into the embrace, her back to Ellie’s chest, breathing deeply.

“I’m sorry I didn’t notice sooner,” Ellie whispers against her neck, pressing a tender kiss there and nuzzling. “Are you okay? Can I get you anything?”

“I’m just really tired,” Dina says softly. “I’m fine, I can get up now, I know we were going to do lunch.”

Dina stiffens as she hears JJ in his crib; he’s restless and wants them to know it. “Ma,” he calls. “Mama?”

“Don’t worry about it, babe,” Ellie says, pressing another kiss to Dina’s cheek and hugging her tightly. She climbs out of the bed clumsily, scooping JJ up into her arms and tickling him until he’s laughing. “Do you want to shower or just spend more time in bed?” She asks, looking back at Dina.

Dina shrugs, her head in her hands, and she leans into Ellie’s touch when she moves back and rubs circles on her upper back. “I don’t want to do anything at all,” Dina mutters; her hands muffle the sound but Ellie’s hand falters and she knows she heard.

“Can you hold a beautiful boy for me?” Ellie asks playfully, propping the pillows up behind Dina. “Come on, sit back.”

Dina settles against the pillows, smiling tiredly as her son is placed into her lap, his fingers curling around hers and he gurgles happily to her as she bounces him.

Ellie brings her a cup of tea and some toast. She eventually gets Dina into the shower and when she returns it seems every cushion and blanket in the house is propped up onto the bed. JJ is sitting in the middle, legs out, holding Ollie tightly in his grasp and he smiles when he sees Dina and crawls toward her.

Ellie returns then, lugging a television into the room and placing it carefully onto the dresser across from their bed.

“What are you doing?” Dina asks as she dresses, joining JJ on the bed.

“We-” Ellie says proudly. “-are having a movie day.”

“Seriously?”

“Well,” Ellie smiles, carrying in a box of DVDs, the DVD player under her arm. “That’s what JJ and I have decided to do, and you are more than welcome to join us.”

Dina kisses her, earnest and sincere, and they spend the day in bed, cocooned in blankets, ignoring the early chill of September.

Dina has JJ propped up against her chest, and for a bit he seems to follow the animated movie Ellie had put on but he just wants to be cuddled and play with his toys quietly so they let him.

The second movie is Curtis & Viper II; it’s not one Dina has seen before and Ellie suggests it almost awkwardly.

It’s halfway through the movie when Ellie speaks. “This was- I was gonna watch this with Joel that night,” she offers, stilted.

Dina remembers then, in a flicker of a memory, them discussing this long ago. “I’m sorry you didn’t get to, babe,” she says softly.

Ellie nods thoughtfully. “I miss him a lot,” she rubs her hands awkwardly on her thighs, and Dina doesn’t comment but she can hear the tightness in Ellie’s voice.

They hold hands and Ellie talks about Joel for hours, Dina nodding and interjecting at times. She’s always quiet and withdrawn on days like this, appreciating how Ellie keeps her distracted. They don’t notice the movie ending, the credits rolling, or how long the DVD sits on the menu screen. They’re lying down now, on their sides, faces close, voices low and murmuring, JJ is curled into Ellie’s chest between them, deep asleep.

At some point Dina falls asleep, and when she wakes, eyes fluttering open, she meets Ellie’s soft gaze. “Hey,” Dina hums softly.

“Hey,” Ellie says softly, stretching her shoulders and as she watches Dina’s brow furrow and her head start to lift she adds, “He’s in the crib, still napping, you weren’t sleeping for very long.” She smiles and leans in to kiss Dina softly. “Did you have an okay day?”

“Yeah, it was really good,” Dina says softly. “Thank you.”

“Do you feel any better?”

“A bit, I just-” Dina presses closer. “It was a lot, and I’m still pretty tired, like I’m fine, I just still feel a bit down.”

“Would an orgasm help?” Ellie asks, her lips twitching as she fights her smile, and she quirks an eyebrow at Dina. “Cause, uh, I could help you out with that.”

“You are so fucking dumb,” Dina tells her.

She takes the offer anyway, kissing Ellie and biting her lip as Ellie slips her hand into Dina’s pants. Ellie curls two fingers into her sharply and fucks her languidly, eyes watchful and intense. The pace is slow and infuriating.

“I thought this was about making me feel better,” Dina whimpers, bucking her hips against Ellie for more friction, fingers twisting into Ellie’s shirt. 

“We’ll get there,” Ellie murmurs.

\--

Two weeks pass, and it is now firmly fall. There is a chill in the air letting everyone know what is to come, and Dina spends a lot of evenings knitting, relishing in the calm. She has days that are harder than others, but there is honesty and rawness and connection each night, legs intertwined, pressed together under the sheets.

She feels like a different person than before.

JJ is strong and growing. He picked up ‘Nana’ and ‘Pa’ not long after ‘mama’ and his doting grandparents cherish all the moments they spend with him. Robin mentions the farm occasionally, pointing out that they haven’t packed up fully and he’s always free to help but Dina feels like she has everything she needs.

She is reading and knitting and sewing, she is thinking and planning and making progress with the radios, she is laughing and sharing and dancing. And at some points she is crying and troubled and _disconnected_ , but she knows those moments will pass and every time they do she feels a bit more firmly rooted in herself.

Ellie is warmer now, softer around the edges, her hips less angular, her face slightly more full, and when she wakes in the morning she does so slowly. Breathing into consciousness and smiling as she curls further into their embrace.

It’s Saturday and Dina is walking back to the house after dropping JJ off with Helen for the evening. A dance was planned tonight in the town hall, and she had managed rather easily to convince Ellie to go with her.

When she returns home she finds Ellie standing in front of a mirror and pulling back her hair into a loose ponytail; it's longer now, just on her shoulders, and everything she does with it looks messy and perfect. Dina smiles when she realises Ellie is dressed almost the same as the last town dance they had gone to over a year ago, the same blue flannel sitting over a nicer white t-shirt and her newer pair of scavenged blue jeans that Dina always has to fight the urge to grab her ass in.

She wraps her arms around Ellie’s waist, pressing her chest to Ellie’s back and drops her lips to Ellie’s neck, kissing softly.

Ellie hums, tilting her head to offer more of her skin.

“I should get changed,” Dina murmurs softly, sucking at the spot below Ellie’s neck that she knows makes her weak.

Ellie whimpers, only responding when Dina pulls away, “You look lovely, I thought you already changed?”

Dina shrugs, slipping into their bedroom and hunting through the wardrobe until she manages to find the burgundy top she had worn the night of their first dance. _I can’t believe how many times I changed my clothes that night_ , she huffs, flinging off her shirt and pulling the new one on.

Ellie smiles so hard when she comes out that her eyes crinkle, and Dina can hear her humming softly when they walk, hand in hand, to the town hall.

Dina knows they’ve come a long way since that night, but a part of her feels just as nervous and giddy as she did back then. It’s almost frustrating because she had Ellie moaning under her that morning, malleable and pleading, and now Dina feels small and hopeful for something that she already knows she has.

They dance for hours and Ellie never complains, eager and warm, and Dina isn’t sure whether it’s the spinning or Ellie’s hands on her that make her feel so lightheaded.

They have several whiskeys, nothing serious, just enough for a light buzz, and they are definitely still in their right minds when Dina leads Ellie outside through the back of the hall, a possessive arm around her waist. She pushes her up against a wall outside, tucked around the corner, barely lit from the lanterns along the street, and hopefully far from prying eyes. 

They kiss, messy and deep, panting and flushed from the dancing, barely feeling the chill in the cold air, Dina’s heart is pounding in her chest, her head feels foggy, and she doesn’t want to wait to go home.

Dina presses Ellie harder against the wall, a thigh slipping between Ellie’s legs to pin her in place, grinding against her as Dina’s mouth moves down her neck.

Ellie whimpers at the scrape of Dina’s teeth on her neck, groaning when she sucks and kisses Ellie’s collarbone.

Ellie is rubbing herself desperately on Dina’s thigh, and briefly Dina thinks, _this is ridiculous, we have a bed at home._ But that doesn’t stop her from slipping her hand between them and into Ellie’s underwear, grinning at Ellie’s shaky exhale and marvelling at how _wet_ she is.

“This okay?” Dina asks softly, eyes locked on Ellie’s, open and sincere.

“Fuck me,” Ellie pleads, gripping Dina’s hips and trying to pull her closer. “ _Please_.”

Later, when Ellie is panting against Dina’s neck, Ellie mutters, “let’s go back in for one more dance.”

Dina pulls back from the embrace, dropping a quick kiss to Ellie’s shoulder before taking her in. Ellie is rumpled, her hair thoroughly mussed, eyes glassy, lips red and swollen. “Babe,” Dina grins. “You look like you just got fucked, we are not going back inside.”

“I did just get fucked,” Ellie laughs, her fingers curling around the belt loops of Dina’s jeans and tugging her closer. “Dance with me.”

Dina humours her, trying to ignore how turned on she is, and swaying in the embrace to music they can only distantly hear.

\--

It’s October and JJ is eleven months old. He can pull himself up now, standing on wobbly legs for a few moments before either falling or sitting back down. He points for things he wants, he understands the concept of ‘no’ and he chooses to ignore it.

He knows how to high five which Ellie considers very important and encourages often. Dina often finds them sitting together, Ellie’s legs crossed in front of her, as they clap their hands together in some attempt at a rhythm.

It feels strange to see because the clapping game reminds her so strongly of Talia and the nursery rhymes she used to sing, and JJ’s little focused face reminds her of Jesse when he was deep in thought, and yet she can’t stop laughing.

Their little home seems to be filled with music, the record player almost constantly running, and Ellie is growing cheekier by the day.

Today is Joel’s birthday.

Ellie is quiet and thoughtful in the morning, but not withdrawn. She asks to go to the diner for lunch and Dina agrees. They’re almost out the door, Dina wrapped in a warm hoodie when she sees it.

Ellie is pulling on one of Joel’s old coats, and it’s on her wrist.

Joel’s watch.

Dina’s seen Ellie look at it before, seen her drawings of it from her journal, she knows it was taken through Seattle, she knows it was in the top drawer buried under clothes at the farm house, and she knows it has been sitting on Ellie’s bedside table for over a month, seemingly untouched. But she has never seen Ellie wear it before.

“You good?” Ellie asks, picking up JJ and blowing a raspberry on his cheek to make him laugh.

“I’m-” Dina blinks, “I’m doing good, yeah.” She hesitates, unsure if she wants to risk Ellie’s good mood. “I haven’t seen you wear his watch before.”

“I haven’t worn his watch before,” Ellie says softly, her smile still firmly in place.

Dina nods, taking Ellie’s hand in hers as they walk to the diner.

“You know he got it from his daughter?” Ellie offers, after they order their food. “She gave it to him for his birthday, right before the outbreak.”

“Is that when it was broken?” Dina asks curiously.

“Yeah,” Ellie replies. “He didn’t talk about it much, but it was on outbreak day that he lost Sarah. It was a soldier, following orders, shooting at them as they were trying to escape the town.”

“That’s fucked,” Dina says quietly, wincing at Ellie looks at her pointedly and covers JJ’s ears in her lap.

“Language,” Ellie scolds playfully. “He’s like a sponge at this age.”

“We both know he’s gonna be saying that word, he’s gonna pick it up fairly quick in our home,” Dina laughs.

Ellie grins, “Well then say it a bit more so it’s not my fault.”

“Anyway, that’s- that’s really horrific that Joel went through that, I know he had a daughter before but I didn’t know what happened to her,” Dina says.

“He had a lot in his past, I can-” Ellie huffs at herself in frustration. “I feel like sometimes I can imagine how he could do what he did for me… having lost Sarah,” she says, voice low. “But I know I can’t really imagine how it feels to lose your child.”

Dina’s eyes trace JJ’s face, leaning over the table to ruffle his hair with her fingers. “I can’t imagine it either. I don’t want to.”

“I’m sorry,” Ellie says softly. “I wanted this day to be good, to be positive. Joel was…” Her brow furrows. “I really loved him.”

“He really loved you.” Dina says, reaching over to place a comforting hand over Ellie’s.

“I know,” Ellie says, turning her hand to tangle her fingers with Dina. She smiles, asking, “Did I ever tell you about the time he taught me how to play poker?”

“I’m surprised you didn’t learn it at your military school,” Dina teases, thanking Rachael politely when she brings them their food.

“I did,” Ellie laughs. “I just didn’t want him to know that, so I played a couple bad hands, and then stole his money.”

Ellie eats her burger unprompted, like she’s starving despite eating breakfast, and manages to finish all the chips as they talk. It amazes Dina sometimes to see it, it feels more normal now, more commonplace and yet somehow Ellie stealing food from her plate is still more endearing than it should be.

Dina stills as a shadow falls over then, her smile souring as she looks at Tommy. His head is low, and his eyes are on Ellie, Ellie’s shoulders are tight but she adjusts JJ with tender hands, letting him curl tiredly into her chest.

“Tommy,” she nods.

“Ellie,” he rasps. “Can I- did you read my letter?”

“I did not,” Ellie says firmly.

“Can I speak with you?” Tommy asks, his eyes flicking cautiously over to Dina who raises an eyebrow.

“You are speaking to me,” Ellie replies, she’s rubbing JJ’s back now, he’s not upset and Dina knows Ellie is really reassuring herself.

Tommy huffs and Dina has to hold herself back from doing something, from standing up and kicking him out, from yelling and shoving him.

“I said it better in my letter than I will now,” Tommy says petulantly. He rubs his eyes tired before taking a deep breath. “I shouldn’t have spoken to you how I did. I shouldn’t have said those words, I shouldn’t have even been thinking them. I went back to the farm to try to apologise,” he sighs, the words are said almost dutifully, like he practiced them and if he paused he wouldn’t be able to continue. “You told me to fuck off and I did, I’m not drinking anymore and I won’t be again.”

Dina’s eyes narrow as he pauses, wondering if Ellie will respond but not looking to check.

“You’re all I have left of my brother, and regardless of what he would’ve done, he wouldn’t want you going after her again,” Tommy’s voice is trembling, hands now clenched into fists, and Dina notes his eyes are firmly planted above Ellie and not on her. “I’m sorry I pushed you like that, I was wrong.”

“Okay,” Ellie says plainly.

He frowns, and someone else might have taken a step back, but he holds himself still. Dina just looks at Ellie, brow furrowed. _Okay?_

“You’ve said your piece,” she nods, running her fingers through JJ’s hair. “I’ll read your letter. And,” she takes a breath. “If you leave anymore I’ll read them too.”

Tommy nods quietly, but there is hope in his eyes that wasn’t there before.

“Might write you back,” Ellie says, she lifts her hand to rub at her neck and Dina can see the recognition in Tommy’s eyes as he sees the watch on Ellie’s wrist, peeking out from the cuff of her jacket.

“Okay, thank you,” he replies, his voice is uneven and weak. He clears his throat, wiping at his face. “I’m glad you’re wearing that,” he adds, his eyes still on the watch. “He’d, uh, he’d be really proud of you.

“I know,” Ellie says softly.

Dina doesn’t watch Tommy as he leaves, just offers her hand for Ellie to take to offer her comfort. Ellie’s eyes are a bit red and watery but she smiles as she takes Dina’s hand.

\--

Two weeks pass and it is a quiet day. Ellie is on the farm rotation, JJ is with Helen, and Dina is home early. She spent her morning in the watchtower, eagerly awaiting the Hoback Pass patrol to arrive at the furthest checkpoint and test the radio.

It was functional and Dina wasn’t sure if she or Maria were more excited. She felt like she was skipping home, Hoback Pass at its furthest point was a three hour trip from Jackson. The radio was the sixth to be assembled and the final one placed along their patrol routes.

Dina doesn’t have many parts left, but the almost-completed seventh and final radio was something her mind lingers on as she returns home.

The small house is quiet, and Dina busies herself cleaning the kitchen, washing the dishes from their breakfast. She changes their sheets next, and puts their washing away. She reads the first chapter of three different books, and then paces.

She feels restless in her excitement and she considers finding Ellie, or returning to her workshop to continue with the radio, or picking JJ up early.

Instead she finds herself sitting at the dining table, cup of tea in her hands, looking at the light change through the window and considering the journal beside her.

The leather is soft and supple and familiar, the spine of the journal now a bit worn from use but only slightly. It sits open, as always, turned to a sketch that Dina never lets her eyes linger on.

She knows she’s allowed to look.

She knows it couldn’t possibly be like last time.

When she finishes her tea, she tugs the book closer, looking at the sketch of JJ’s smiling face and tracing his features gently.

She flips back to the start of the book and reads slowly. Most pages are filled with sketches and she is slow and thorough as she examines them.

The first page has a picture of JJ, smiling wide with arms reaching forward. The second has Dina, a soft smile on her lips, a parcel held out in her hands. At the bottom of the page, in Ellie’s messy scrawl, are the words ‘ _a new chapter’._

She flips through pages of herself and JJ, moths and trees, sketches of Joel. He’s smiling in most of them, eyes finished and not blacked out, the drawings of him seem more delicate somehow, like Ellie held her pencil more carefully on the page, the lines faint but there.

_Had a nightmare last night. First one in a couple of weeks. Dina sat up with me, she brought me tea and held my hand. The images didn’t last and I was able to get back to sleep. Dreamt about the farm._

Dina feels like each entry marred with pain is one she can remember. Nightmares and bad days were still there, but they were easier to shake, easier to breathe through.

_JJ called me Mama today. I don’t know how to describe how it felt. I spent the whole afternoon trying to make him say it again._

She feels like she’s watching her son grow again in front of her eyes, the moments and fragments of his development over the last few months make her wish she had written things down herself.

_Dina had a hard day today. She’s always so wonderful with me, I hope I made her feel better. I just want to make her feel as safe as I do in her arms._

Dina smiles at the drawing, she’s curled in bed, tangled in sheets, with JJ sleeping on her chest.

Ellie’s small journal entries were largely overtaken by her drawings, and Dina can feel Ellie’s love in each of them.

_The world could be on fire and I wouldn't think to look_

She stares at one particular drawing of herself for a long time, it must have been close to the night of the dance. She’s wearing that burgundy shirt, and smiling widely. Smaller sketches of her mouth and their grasped hands scatter the opposite page. Ellie’s words feel intimate in a way that Dina doesn’t expect.

_Spoke with Tommy today. I think he’s been trying to approach me for a bit. I haven’t been hiding, he just seems to lose his nerve. I don’t know if I’ll forgive him, or where things will lead. But I owe it to myself and Joel to try._

Joel’s watch is drawn beside the words, surrounded by moths.

_Happy birthday, old man._

The words are accompanied by a picture of Joel smiling, holding a guitar on what looks to be the farm’s porch.

She reads the final poem almost unseeing, like the words don’t settle in her mind, and she’s several pages further into the journal, finding the most recent drawing of JJ and blank pages, before she returns to it.

_~~I see my future in your arms,~~ _   
_My future lies in your arms,  
I ~~want to~~ will build a house in your hands  
Plant flowers in your fingertips  
Trace your palm lines with a white picket fence  
Turn the spaces between your fingers into the night sky  
Coated with stars made of sawdust ~~and freckles~~_

Ellie finds her at the table not long after, sweaty and caked in dirt from her shift, and she smiles tiredly at the sight of her.

Dina’s still lost in thought, tossing the words up in her head. She supposes it was the same before, overwhelmed and emotional at the way Ellie writes. Purposeful and contemplative, time and emotion behind each choice. _She called our son ‘dude’ yesterday, how is this the same woman?_

“Good read?” Ellie asks playfully, raising an eyebrow at Dina as she shrugs off her jacket.

“The best,” Dina replies softly, leaning into the kiss Ellie places on her head. “Where are you going?” She calls, turning in the seat as she watches Ellie walk further into the house.

“To shower,” Ellie yells back. “I’m all gross and sweaty.”

Dina follows her.

\--

It is November, JJ is officially one year old. The house is quiet, it is night, and both JJ and Ellie seem exhausted by their day.

Dina feels quietly restless, words resting on her lips that she’s been grappling with since that afternoon. Since Ellie had held JJ on her lap at their table, their family singing happy birthday, and Dina had watched Ellie blow out the candle for JJ.

JJ had taken his first steps days prior, and was determined to keep pulling himself up and flinging himself forward even if his feet couldn’t quite keep up. He was resilient and bubbly and bright. He had figured out clapping the week prior and Ellie spent half the day encouraging him to walk and the other half clapping at him until he started clapping as well. Something about the noise made him laugh until he struggled to breathe, and Ellie would laugh so hard from the sound that she would cry.

Dina feels strong and steady and in love, and she knows she’s felt this for some time but this feels like a milestone.

JJ is in bed when Ellie finds her in the kitchen; wrapping her arms around her waist, they sway softly in the darkness.

“I love you,” Ellie murmurs against her neck, kissing the skin there softly.

“I love you too,” Dina says softly. “Will you come to bed with me?”

“Yes?” Ellie laughs. “Do you need to ask that?”

“Hush,” Dina mumbles against Ellie’s lips, kissing her soundly.

Dina takes her by the hand and leads her to bed; they find themselves under the covers, pressed together, warm skin and tender hands contrasting against the chill of the night.

“Are we gonna do some good talking?” Ellie whispers, and Dina can hear the humour in her voice.

“I’ve been thinking,” Dina says.

She can see Ellie's reaction in the dim light, eyes slightly squinted and lips pressed together, like she wants to make some sort of joke but doesn’t want to ruin the moment.

“I’m ready to go _home_.”

Ellie’s forehead scrunches up as she focuses on those words, Dina’s hand cupping her cheek, thumb tracing the scar on her chin softly. “We are home?” Ellie asks slowly, like she knows she’s missing something.

“I know I can get my last radio to work at the farm,” Dina says softly. “So we can talk and stay connected more easily. I’ve known for a while and-” She sighs. “We’ve been really happy, and I know we still have our struggles, nothing is ever easily fixed, but we’re taking care of ourselves and not just each other.”

“Yeah,” Ellie breathes, her eyes watering.

“I feel like I trust myself again, and I _trust_ you,” Dina wipes the tears from Ellie’s cheeks. “I don’t know why but I’ve always liked the idea of real space, and the farm was always my dream, and I _loved_ it with you but we weren’t ready yet.”

“I’m sorry you didn’t feel like you could stay there,” Ellie whispers, voice cracking.

“We shouldn’t have isolated ourselves, not without starting to heal first,” Dina says resolutely, willing her voice not to shake. “I know it’s been five months, but didn’t want to pack it up or close that door because-” she shrugs. “I still see our future there.”

Ellie is silent, eyes searching, a cautious smile on her lips, her hand on Dina’s hip twisting the fabric of her shirt tightly.

“I’m ready to go home, if you are too,” Dina murmurs, a smile growing on her face.

Ellie’s smile deepens, always beautiful, never more so than now. “Wherever you go, I go.”

Dina almost doesn’t want to close her eyes when Ellie leans in and kisses her softly, slowly, searchingly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for taking the time to read my story, I hope you enjoyed it. I have a lot more ideas coming.  
> If you would like to chat or yell at me, you can find me @respectablesentiment on tumblr.  
> Otherwise please let me know what you think, and have a lovely day ~


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